This was NOT supposed to happen. The health care system let my mother down so profoundly. I can feel myself starting to shake even as I say the words.

When I am calm, I can see that my anger has to do with profound disappointment. My life is not playing out according to plan and the world is looking pretty scary right now. I hate being scared. It is sometimes easier to get angry because it feels less shameful. Sometimes I see how much it is eating me up inside. 

You won't believe how short tempered I have become. It is coming out in my driving in particular. I used to be the most courteous driver on the road and now I am so aggressive. It sometimes scares me that I may hurt someone, but it seems to be more powerful than me. I keep asking myself: how do I stop this?

I told this story to a close friend and she said that I needed to address this quickly.

When she told me that, it really got my attention. I decided to consult with a counsellor who asked me why I thought this might be happening.

Through our conversations, I came to realize that the driving was a symptom of a problem. I have always been an angry person, everyone used to say so. My anger is just much more elevated now. The counsellor helped me realize that I do have some control in how I am responding to my anger.

 His death is such a waste. I can't help but feel this huge sense of frustration that this tragedy had to visit me and my family. Now I find myself slamming doors, throwing objects against walls, and even screaming. I used to be able to keep my anger inside, but I can`t seem to now.  

I think it might be pushing people away because I am scaring them, especially my kids. In my heart of hearts, I don't want to be this person.

I beat myself up after I act angry. I am working hard now to break the cycle, to try and see when I feel a big outburst coming and go outside and try to calm down. If nothing changes in the next few weeks, I am going to consult a professional.