Chapter 1: Experiencing loss
Responding to hurtful comments
It was unhelpful when someone said that it had happened for a reason or that I could get pregnant again. That was not the point; of course, I could get pregnant again, but we had lost our son and he couldn’t be replaced.
You may or may not choose to talk to others about your experience. Sometimes, people may not know what to say or may offer words intended to comfort that may actually be hurtful.
The way you respond to these comments may vary, depending on what is said and by whom. How you respond may also change from one day, or one situation, to the next.
You may decide to let the person know about what is and is not helpful. You could even let them know ahead of time. You might choose to avoid conversations with some people altogether.
You might want to think about how you might choose to respond to certain comments, such as the examples listed below. Roll your mouse over each of the comments to view some possible responses you could use.
You’ll have other children or You can try again.
“Yes – and I know you are trying to make me feel better, but right now I am focused on my grief and my enormous loss, and I just need you to let me feel what I am feeling.
Your baby is in a better place now.
“That may be true (or that may make sense to you), but right now I am grieving. We wanted the baby to become a part of our family. It’s very hard.”
Be grateful that you have other healthy children.
“I am grateful and have love for my other children, but I am also devastated about the loss of our baby.”