Seeing my family grieve was torturous for me. Every time that I saw someone cry, the flames of self-blame and shame were stoked. I felt self-hatred and disconnection, including from myself.

My brother's death marked my life in a pretty definite way. I will never get over it, but I have learned to live with it.

Grief and trauma can come together in a number of different situations. Sometimes the way someone has died is violent or intensely disturbing; other times, circumstances or events surrounding the death may create the potential for trauma.

This chapter describes some situations that have the possibility to become traumatic experiences. After a death, one person’s grief may include a trauma response, while another person’s may not. We emphasize that grief and trauma responses, even when they include intense emotions or disturbing thoughts, are normal responses.

If your trauma response is significant, it can disrupt or make your grief more intense and longer lasting. Some people refer to this as “traumatic grief.” It’s important to know that this term refers to grief that itself may be considered to be “traumatic” or prolonged, but not all grief after a traumatic experience is “traumatic grief.”