Chapter 3: Recognizing unrecognized grief
How others may respond
I don't feel like I really ever had a childhood because I always had to take care of my mom in a crisis. No one recognized the impact that it had on me. Even now, my mother will say, “Do you know how hard it is to see you like this?” It’s still all about her.
When my sister hears things I say, there’s a disconnect. So I don’t tell her a lot or confide in a deep way because she just doesn’t get it.
How others react and respond to you sharing about your grief can sometimes make you feel that they don’t understand or recognize what you are experiencing. When people don’t recognize your grief, their responses may be insensitive and can make you feel unsupported. This can make it feel harder for your grief.
People who don’t acknowledge your grief may question or minimize your feelings, or they may exclude you from information sharing or gathering. This can be unintentional at time, as people may not be aware or recognized how much the loss meant to you or the impacts it has had.
Below are some examples of how people might respond when they are not aware of or aren’t acknowledging or recognizing the grief you are experiencing.
Click on each statement below to see examples of what they might say.
They may say something like:
“You’ll be fine! This isn’t something to worry or feel sad about.”
“Don’t be such a drama queen. You’re not the only one grieving.”
“You were never very interested in him while he was alive.”
They may say something like:
“Cheer up – it’s only money. At least you still have your health.”
“You’re overreacting. It was only a dog.”
“You wanted to be a different gender – what are you so cracked up about?”
“I don’t understand why you are so upset! This is harder for me than it is for you.”
They may say something like:
“I don't want to talk to you about it.”
“I’m not able or willing to give you the information you’re requesting.”
“You lost your right to know; it's not your business.”
They may say something like:
“We didn’t think you would be interested in coming; it’s not really your thing.”
“You left this family years ago. Why do you think you have the right to come back now?”
“He doesn’t want you there.”
What may help
- Remind yourself that you’re entitled to your feelings, whatever they are.
- Give yourself time to reflect honestly on the past and what you may or may not want to carry forward with you.
- If family members are withholding information from you, consider if there might be other ways to find out what you want to know. You may need also to consider that there may some things you will never know and work toward accepting that.
- If family members are excluding you from events, you may be able to create a private or shared ceremony or observance that meets some of your needs.
